If EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE Got A Round Of Reality TV Network Notes

“Where are the lower thirds we asked for?”

EVERYTHING EVERYWHERE ALL AT ONCE FINE CUT 2

NOTE: This contains spoilers of the film that has charmed the world and is an awards darling. If you don’t want to be spoiled, please watch the film or verse-jump to a universe where hot dog fingers aren’t a thing.

Thank you so much for the last cut! We really appreciate the hard work your team has put in. Unfortunately, we still aren’t close to where we need to be, so we’ll need yet another extra cut so we can really hone in on the story and some execution problems. We desperately need a bite pass to help clarify what’s happening. a lower thirds pass is an absolute must, and let’s dig deep and come up with some new music cues. Once these things are done, we’ll send time coded notes. We’re happy to help!

Also, there are a lot of clearance issues we need to clean up before we can lock. Do appearance releases cover alternate dimensions? Please have your legal department look into that. The Chapstick product placement is clever but it may be too much (see below).

OPENING

Right off the bat, this is confusing. We see slo-mo of Evelyn, Waymond and their daughter singing in silence in a reflection of a mirror then there’s a jump cut of no one in the mirror and then Evelyn is sitting at a table with a ton of receipts? I have no idea what is going on here! And if I don’t, our viewers will instantly change the channel. Let’s start with a b-roll montage of Simi Valley, then a wide shot of the laundromat and then Evelyn at the table. And then? The big intro bite I’ve been asking for! For four cuts already! Something like “I’m Evelyn Wang. My family and I run a laundromat here in Simi Valley. Today is really important as not only is it my father’s birthday but also I have an IRS audit. I’m really nervous about it! I hope it goes well!” (Please get that verbatim). By telling the audience exactly what’s going to happen, they can follow along easily and that is storytelling!

There is a lot going on in the laundromat - we have customers asking for clothes, a man complaining about losing money in the change machine and Joy with her girlfriend. There are too many things going on, this is choppy and chaotic and not a representation of the quality storytelling this network is about! Remember, this network’s shows are a second screen experience, so we have to make our audience can understand our stories while they are going through hashtags on TikTok. Let’s streamline this area: focus on Joy and her girlfriend (with an intro package from Joy) and also establish Waymond (with another intro package). The close up on the divorce papers seem like he is interested in divorcing his wife but there’s no interview bite to go with it. How can I know if he wants a divorce unless he TELLS US? Please give us a nice funny, point-to-point, concise, natural bite from Waymond setting all of this up.

THE IRS VISIT

I know we see the Wang family pull up the IRS building in front of the IRS sign but let’s make sure we aren’t making too many assumptions here. Let’s add a lower third that says “IRS Office” with a set up bit from Evelyn reiterating why she’s nervous about this meeting with the IRS and how she hopes Waymond will be supportive. If we aren’t in Evelyn’s head here, then we aren’t weaving the most interesting story possible! Remember, constantly telling the audience what the story is is what storytelling is all about!

THE ELEVATOR RIDE

Whoa whoa whoa, what’s going on here? Waymond is suddenly acting out of character and starts giving instructions to Evelyn? Slow down here, Tex! Let’s add a bite here from Waymond explaining what he’s doing. Mysteries may be good for PBS Sunday nights but not our network!

The flashback of Evelyn’s life is well edited but it needs a couple more effects for it to really read as a flashback for our audience. Let’s add two mortises and a filter to really drive that home!

THE AUDIT

Please make sure you have an area release for the IRS office space.

Deirdre is such a fun character. (She in fact auditioned for another one of our shows but that’s a story for a different day.) Where is her intro package? Let’s get something like “Yes, that’s right, it’s Deirdre Beaubeirdre, IRS auditor extraordinaire. I’m a patriot who loves her country and does what she can to make sure that people obey the law! I take my job very seriously and I do not tolerate foolishness!” (Please get this in her own words and verbatim).

Alpha-Waymond’s explanation of multiverses is confusing! Let’s add a big bite from him (with a lower thirds that says Alpha-Waymond so we know which Waymond is talking) with a graphic explaining the multiverse. Ooh, maybe license some images from The Avengers movies! I don’t know how expensive that would be, but please license them anyway in a way that that is budget-conscious.

Double check with S&P but we may need to blur Deirdre’s Auditor of the Month awards.

Let’s add a disclaimer at the opening saying that assaulting an IRS officer is not endorsed by this network.

The Chapstick product placement is super clever and fun. I’m not sure we should encourage people to eat it. We had a bad time at ‘Fear Factor’ dealing with something similar. Please double check your footage and recut it.

FIGHT WITH DEIRDRE

Okay, we have this big concept of tapping into skills in our alternative selves and this lo-fi GFX package is what we’re seeing? This can’t be right! A big concept calls for a big graphic package and this is just crappy and low quality. Let’s reimagine this is something bolder and eye catching, like THE CIRCLE or FLIP OR FLOP.

JOBU TUPAKI

Wait, the big evil is Evelyn’s daughter? And she can turn people into glitter and luchador wrestlers? While we appreciate her bite package about the everything bagel, we need to know more about her. Let’s get her back in the chair and have her explain herself. Her motives seem jumbled; why is she trying to kill her mother? Why is she in an Elvis costume? How can we know her motives without her telling us exactly what she wants at al times? Guys, this is sloppy.

A lot of the music is ethereal or whimsical. Can we try something else more engaging and modern? Maybe some hiphop or Little Mix soundalikes. Let’s discuss!

Can we clear Raccoon-atouille? Please double check.

Thank you for blurring the security officer’s genitals in the butt plug fight but the lead up is a little too suggestive for the time slot. Please rework.

DEIRDRE’S APARTMENT

While they aren’t exactly obscene, the dance between Evelyn and Deirdre with the hot dog finger feels like it’s an S&P issue. Please blur throughout.

Evelyn’s breakdown and flashing through universes is energetic editing but confusing. Let’s add a lower third on each universe she falls into. That’ll help explain things a lot and explaining is the heart of telling a good story!

ROCK WORLD

I have no idea what’s going on here. Let’s make it a snap in.

EMPATHY FIGHT

Oooh, I see. Evelyn has finally understood that connecting to the good part of herself can help others and ultimately herself. At least, that’s my guess. Without a bite, how am I to know for sure? HOW AM I TO KNOW? Get a bite in here.

We need this turned around pretty fast but I’m confident you and your capable team can do it. As a thank you, how about a muffin basket from Joan’s on Third? Let me know; I think you can pay for it out of your petty cash. Thanks!

If THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most beloved animated films from 2017. If you don't wish to be spoiled, skip this by master-building a plane and flying out of here.

THE LEGO BATMAN MOVIE ROUGH CUT 3 NOTES

Hello! Thank you so much for your swift turnaround on our last round of notes. We really do appreciate it here. While the show is getting more and more focused, we do feel that we have a long, long, long, LONG way to go before we are set.  The biggest problem we are having right now is clarity.  Is this Batman's story? The Joker's? Also, we desperately need a bite pass and a chyron pass. Without these, everyone's motivation seems muddled.  If Batman really wants to be left alone to do his thing, he needs to tell me this in a bite. if it doesn't exist in a bite, then I don't know what he wants.  And since there are no bites in this cut, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HIS MOTIVATION IS! Or anyone else! Once we get a bite pass, then we'll give time coded notes.

OPENING

So we open with some scary voiceover from Batman about how great shows start in black with scary music. Are we married to that? Starting with just VO and logos and our main person off camera is really just jarring.  Let's scrap all this and start with him back at Wayne Manor with a bite like "I'm Batman, aka Bruce Wayne. I've been fighting crime in Gotham City for a while now. I'm a big hero and everyone knows it!" Get this in his own words and verbatim.  

Per legal, Batman can't claim that he wrote the Man in the Mirror quote. (You know the Michael Jackson estate won't okay this). Has he done another take with his own quote? Something he can live tweet as we air? Double check our interviews and let us know!

JOKER'S PLANE HEIST

When the Joker scares the pilot by saying "always comes to work with a smile", this is just begging for a bite! Ugh, come on, guys! Put in a bite from the Joker like "I'm the Joker, one of the most feared and dangerous villains Gotham City has ever seen! Highjacking this plane full of explosives is one of the most diabolical plans I've ever concocted.  This will definitely impress my girlfriend Harley Quinn and my arch-nemises Batman, who never seems to give me the respect I deserve!" (Get this verbatim, please but also make sure it's organic and natural.)  

When the pilot says that Batman will always beat the Joker, please put in a flashback montage of the Batman beating the Joker. Otherwise, this line doesn't have any context.

POWER PLANT FIGHT

The Joker is listing a lot of villains helping him at the power plant. Please make sure to  lower third to each one so we can tell who is who. (You can't expect a single mom in Kansas City to tell Killer Croc and Calendar Man apart without a little bit of help) Oh, and great Heinz product placement with Condiment King. 

Whoa, Batman cross-dresses and pretends to be the Mayor?  Or is he in disguise AS the mayor so he can defeat the Joker? I bet it's the latter! Let's add a pickup scene of Batman saying he's going to dress up as the Mayor.  Otherwise, this comes in out of nowhere and the audience will be confused. (I was!)

Let's add a bite from the Joker saying how hurt he was that Batman doesn't think he's his greatest enemy.  Sure, I could infer from the pained look on his face that Batman really hurt his feeling but unless he says it in a bite, there's NO way anyone could ever know for sure. 

ORPHANAGE

Great shot including the sign "Orphanage" at the Orphanage. It's a great way of showing the audience where we are.  Please also add a lower third that says "Orphanage" as well, just in case if some members of the audience aren't sure. 

When Batman lands in front of the orphanage and Dick is watching from the sign, this is a great opportunity for a big intro package from our parent-less lad.  Have him say something like "I'm Dick Grayson. I was part of an acrobat circus group with my parents. They died during a performance one night and now I'm here at the Orphanage.  One day I hope to be adopted by someone who's really wealthy. I'm also a big fan of Batman. I hope to meet him one day and we can hopefully be friends!" (Have him say this in his own words).

Please make sure we have a materials release for all of the stuff coming out of the Bat Merch gun. 

BATMAN AT HOME

Thank you for the lower third on Wayne Manor Island.  Let's do that for the rest of the show so the audience knows exactly where they are at all times.  Now THAT'S storytelling!

Side note: do we have any extra footage of Batman and Alfred making some of Batman's vehicles? We smell a possible "Monster Garage"-esque spinoff here.  Double check your footage and let us know!

I don't think we have the rights to footage from "Jerry Maguire."Instead, use some public domain rom-com we can use instead, one that is easily recognized by our target demographic of suburban moms 35-48. That has to be something there, right? If not, let's make this a snap-in. 

Alfred is a great presence on this show but he's not getting the set up he deserves! Let's give him a big intro package with a bite like "I'm Alfred Pennyworth, and I've working for the Wayne family for over 40 years. I think of Master Bruce as like a surrogate son.  I'm hoping he'll embrace a new family, as that is his biggest fear." (Get this in his own words, please. That accent is catnip for our audience!)

Please add a trigger warning about snake clowns.  Otherwise we're angling for a lawsuit.

JIM GORDON'S RETIREMENT PARTY

I think Bruce is smitten by Barbara on her entrance to the party. He's completely distracted by it and inadvertently adopts Dick! That's funny.  I say "I think Bruce is smitten" because he doesn't actually say it. So, yet again, WE. NEED. A. BITE. Keep in mind that our audience is viewing this as a second screen so we need to SHOW what's happening and TELL the audience as well. If they can't follow along our story while looking up Lobster Thermador recipes on their iPads then we are not doing our job as ace storytellers.  Fix this. Now. 

I love the montage showing Barbara's accomplishments, especially at Harvard For School.  Please add an intro bite from her as well talking about how excited she is to be here and taking over for her father. If she doesn't say it, how are we to know? 

As Barbara is going through the crime stats of Gotham City, throw up some lower third infographics so the audience can get some take-home information.  They love hearing about crimes and murders. Let's get into some of that "Making A Murderer" magic and aim for the stars!

Wait, the Joker and all the villains arrive and the crowd freaks out? I'm so confused. Oh right, because he tried to take over the city! Let's add a flashback of the Joker highjacking the power plant so the audience is on track, story-wise.  The more we spell things out, the better our story!

OFF TO THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE

Per legal, please drop the scene where Dick gets slammed into the dashboard of the Batmobile due to the lack of seat belts.  If we air that, our liability insurance will go through the roof.  (Maybe a web extra?)

Let's add a bite from Bruce reiterating why he wants to steal the Phantom Zone projector. Sure, we can infer that he's doing this so he can stop the Joker's nefarious plot, but we don't infer in reality TV.  That's what scripted is for!

EVERYONE ESCAPES THE PHANTOM ZONE

Please make sure every evil monster in the Phantom Zone has signed a release. 

As the villains are wreaking havoc all over Gotham City, let's throw in some bites from them about how they feel.  I'd love to her Voldemort's take on this, don't you?

Batman, Robin, Alfred and Barbara are flying to escape the villains and there are Gremlins all over the Scuttler. Are Gremlins bad? Do they pose a big threat? The one way to fix this is to -- yes, it's true -- add a bite!  Add a few bites in here from all four of them setting the stakes! If our people don't tell us this is dangerous, then it won't be dangerous to the audience.

We need to lose some time. Do we have to see Batman go into the Phantom Zone and make a deal with Phyllis? We think this could all be conveyed with a montage on a bite.  Maybe make it a web extra? 

Seeing everyone in Gotham get together to save the city is very inspiring.  In order to really sell this and give us the end we've been building to is a big bite! Let's get bites from Barbara, Batman, Dick and Alfred about what this all means to them (and don't make it too bite-heavy.)

It's 7pm now. Please turn these notes around by 10am tomorrow with responses.  Thanks a bunch!

If ALL ABOUT EVE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

[NOTE: The following contains spoilers for one of the most acclaimed and funniest American films of all times. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please stop now and get a smart friend or family member to show you this amazing movie that has still tied the record with Titanic for receiving the most Academy Award nominations in history.  Got it? Good.]

ALL ABOUT EVE ROUGH CUT 2 NETWORK NOTES

Hello and thanks to you and your team for addressing our previous round of notes so quickly! We should really reward you guys soon. How do you feel about a Papa John pizza party? I'm pretty sure I can expense that.  

We have some pretty big problems with the cut as it stands.  A bite pass in ABSOLUTELY necessary.  The material is great and the characters absolutely sparkle.  They have some of the best dialogue and sound-ups we've ever had on this network. But it's not quite coalescing as well as it should.  So, we think we should think big and do a massive overhaul.  Think about this: we have a collection of fantastic, urbane, well-dressed women who give great one-liners.  And the theater setting is new for our network. Usually we see women throwing wine at each other on boats in relativiely-expensive ports of call.  But here, it's a whole new subculture we can explore and exploit (thoughtfully!). We should ditch our current concept for the show and do:  The Real Housewives of Broadway.  (We are currently testing this title along with The Real Housewives of New Haven and Below Deck: Back Stage.)  I have some ideas for how we can recut some of the scenes, restructure the show and re-focus the characters. Let's be bold and do some big remodeling!  I've also included some proposed tag lines for each of the new "housewives" that myself and my 24-year-old intern came up with.  He's never worked on a TV show before, so I put a lot of stock into his instincts. (Fresh eyes!) Once we've redesigned the show, I'll send time-coded notes.  

BACKSTAGE DURING THE RUN OF "AGED IN WOOD"

Wait, we're starting with an award ceremony before we learn who these people are? Guys, we can't do this. The audience will be lost in the first minute and they'll switch over to "Designated Survivor" (which will be my nickname at this network if we don't turn this show around).  Sure, the VO describing the people is informative but this is not the proper way we tell a story!  We should move this award ceremony to later on in the episode so we can properly build to this!  Start the action on Karen going to the theater on Broadway.  And again as previously requested, we need an intro package for her. 

KAREN. Tag line: "I've never been on a stage but I know drama when I see it!" Karen can be rather milquetoast and quiet.  Let's really really exploit that.  In order for the bigger personalities to pop, they need fodder to roll over.  Let Karen be that fodder. (We can let her have her due in the reunion show.) 

Once Karen meets Eve waiting outside, we can meet Eve.  

EVE. Tag line: "All of the world is a stage. And I feel like I'm stuck in orbit!"  And here let's put together Eve's intro package about her life in Wisconsin.  Her negative comments about working at a brewery could be problematic in reruns on our sister networks.  Let's rethink how we introduce Eve to our audience. We need to get the audience on her side without alienating Anheiser-Busch.  

MARGOT. Tag line: "Trust me, I don't have to pull focus from you, darling.  It was on me the whole time."  Margot is the grand dame of Broadway. She should be dramatic, vain, smart and neurotic.  This combination is perfect for our target demographic.  Don't lean on her being too neurotic, however.  A fully three-dimensional female can scare off advertisers.  Think Lisa Vanderpump crossed with a tame snow leopard.  

Eve's monologue about the death of her husband is great but I think we can punch it up more.  A well-time cymbal scrape solves a lot of problems!

EVE BECOMES MARGOT'S ASSISTANT

The use of VO is becoming problematic.  If the audience is hearing our casts' voices without cutting to an interview, they'll get confused and think that Margot is narrating this from beyond the grave.  Let's add a series of pick up bites so we can cut to seeing our great cast in the chair.  (NOTE: The budget for pickups has been reduced, so please make sure we are using the finest green screens that third-tier cable can supply.)

Birdie is a great character; her one-liners and retorts are fantastic.  (And her observation that Eve is studying Margot like a play is a great touch! I don't remember that in the outline; kudos to the field producer for putting that in). After the first season, let's test out a possible backdoor pilot with her.  Birdie Flies The Nest? Let's put our thinking caps on and work this out!

COCKTAIL PARTY FROM HELL

The scene starts off very well with Margot's age obsession and jealousy over Eve. However, I completely forgot about how Margot is feeling! Add a flashback here to the previous scene so the audience can follow along.  Sure, Margot and Bill are discussing it quite well in-scene, but a flashback will be that extra special touch that just screams People's Choice Awards, don't you think?

When Margot tells Eve "Remind me to tell you about the time I looked into the heart of an artichoke", let's add a fun lower third giving a couple fun facts about that misunderstood vegetable.  If we can give our audience some drama AND some information, then we are truly excelling at our jobs!

Margot's "Fasten your seatbelt; it's going to be a bumpy night" is a great sound-up! Our promo department is already going to put it into every commercial.  In order to sell it in scene, let's punch up the sound design around it.  A drumroll to the line and then a big sting afterwards will really drive it home!

When Addison brings in Miss Caswell, it's a great time to do on intro package on her.  We definitely could use a dim bulb and Miss Caswell's light is pretty dim.  And she's gorgeous. Miss Caswell. Tag line: "I'm happy to be here. I'm just not sure where here is!"

Boy, Margot is drinking a lot in this scene.  Let's add three to four scenes of the other women in different combinations talking about Margot's drinking where it can culminate in a confrontation/intervention where they can partially resolve it and leave the remainder to be discussed at the reunion.  That way, this issue can be dealt with responsibly!

EVE BECOMES MARGOT'S UNDERSTUDY

Another scene with a lot of great drama that is completely dry.  In order to punctuate the scene and hold the audience's interest, we need some music here! (Maybe a Drake soundalike?)  If we aren't telling everyone how to feel at all times, we aren't story telling!

MARGOT'S CAR BREAKS DOWN

In order to sell the immediacy of this scene, we need to add in stakes. It's storytelling 101; if our characters are not in peril, then the audience won't care.  Remember, we need TENSION and STAKES in every scene. So, let's milk this scene for what it's worth.  Add in a ticking clock showing how much time is being eaten up.  

Also, remove Addison's voice over.  He's not pivotal to our show. (See below)  Also, do we have footage of Eve going on for Margot in the play? We have Addison telling us Eve goes on for Margo but we don't have the visual. I know we don't have the rights to it and it would just be b-roll over some music, but the visual of Eve mouthing some words would be really helpful. Right now, I am just CONFUSED.

Eve's sudden turn from naive farm girl to back-stabbing villain comes a little too subtly.  Let's weave in some bites throughout the show to lay the groundwork for her turn.  Otherwise, the audience will be confused and a confused audience will not tweet.  

OPENING IN NEW HAVEN

Addison's confrontation with Eve in her hotel room is problematic on a few levels.  First of all, the revelation of Eve's background (her real name, that she's never been married, etc.) should not be done in this setting.  The best way to do this is at a big dinner where all of the women will be there and one of the women should come forward with all the juicy information.  That way, we can maximize the drama and luxury. (Really, a confrontation in a shabby hotel in New Haven? Not a good move, guys). Let's reshoot the scene and make sure the women are carefully produced.  Remember, it's reality!

Secondly, we love our LGBT supporting characters and Addison is one of them.  The rapier wit, the excellent shoes, the hipster-love of a cigarette holder -- he's great! However, we find it best that our gay characters on our network take a back seat to the straight women. Indeed, Addison has too much agency.  He's too strong, he's too smart for our purposes.  He should be more fun sidekick and less sharp player.  Think serving drinks on "Watch What Happens: Live", not as one of the guests.  

We have a lot of work ahead of us.  Please do this recut and get it back to us by end of the day tomorrow.  Thanks for all your hard work!

If THE BIG SHORT Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains lots of spoilers for one of the buzziest current Oscar nominees.  If you do not wish to be spoiled, please go see this movie and then come back.  Either way, avoid getting a sub-prime loan. Seriously.

THE BIG SHORT RC4 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Big thanks to you and your team for all of your hard work on the cuts so far.  Unfortunately, we are too far off from being on the right track.  The clever illustrations of the different investment vehicles is part of the out of the box thinking we really need, but the show right now is too dark and depressing for our brand. Can we recut this to show the banks in a better light?  By focusing so much on how the banks screwed over the American people denies us the opportunity to tell a layered story.  Do we have any interviews with anyone who liked what Lehman Brothers did?  Let's dig through our footage to find more positive bites about the financial industry.  Otherwise we're doing ourselves and especially the audience a disservice by not telling the richest story possible (pun not intended).  We were envisioning the show to be more Undercover Boss than Frontline.  Are there any heartwarming hugs at the end between the CEO's of the banks and the guy whose family is now homeless?  Take a look.  

Also, you guys are giving us a lot of information.  Mortgage back securities, CBO's, strippers with five homes... that's a LOT for our target demographic to digest. Remember, the bulk of our audience watches our network as a secondary viewer.  If we can't give them all of the story beats in small soundbites that they can process while doing the dishes and not looking at the screen, then we aren't doing our jobs.  Let's do a clarity pass through the whole show to make sure we are telling the cleanest story possible.  

We will need another rough cut before we can go on. Once this is done -- with a VERY NECESSARY bite pass -- then we can give time coded notes.  

COLD OPEN - THE 70S

The narration is great and the 70's reenactment scenes are well done, but we really need a bite in here explaining what a mortgage backed security is.  Sure, the large guy in the glasses tells the other people in scene what it is but we need to hammer this home with a good solid -- funny? -- bite.  Remember: repetition is storytelling!

DR. BURRY

Let's replace a good chunk of Dr. Burry's backstory with the following bite: "Hi! I'm Dr. Burry. I'm an MD who is brilliant at math and investing.  I lost my eye to a childhood illness and now wear a glass one.  I'm rather skeptical of the mortgage market and I'm going to investigate it further." Please get this verbatim. Let's think less of a scene where people interact and more of a fun intro package.  

MARK BAUM

Like with the Dr. Burry section, let's make an intro package out of Baum's introduction.  Give him a solid intro bite, his background and a hint about his brother's suicide.  Sure, the scene we have right now greatly establishes his character by him crashing into a group therapy session and unknowingly hijacking it but we can't assume the audience is as clever as we are.  Remember, spelling things out equals S-U-C-C-E-S-S!

Make the Mark rabbi flashback a web extra.

MARGOT ROBBIE EXPLAINING SUB-PRIME LOANS

Having a hot famous woman in a bubble bath is a highly creative way of explaining an esoteric topic like sub-prime mortgages.  Is it possible to use this as a permanent interview location for all of our shows?  Also, can we add some some GFX to help explain this?  It would really help our numbers. 

Per legal, make sure that all the instances of "Shit" and "Fuck" are bleeped.  Are there any other takes where she doesn't swear?

DR. BURRY BUYING THE SWAPS

Dr. Burry explains to the bankers at Goldman Sachs about buying the mortgage swaps and I am lost.  Can we add in a flashback here where he explains this again?  That would really help the scene a lot.  Also, after Dr. Burry leaves, let's cut out before we see the bankers laughing at him.  I don't think Goldman Sachs would appreciate their trade out being used in this way.  Besides, it's just too mean.  Remember, our network motto is "Wow-Wow with a smile!"

Can we get a Ludacris sound-alike for the buying montage?  Maybe use someone more family friendly?  Let's take a look.

JARED'S MEETING WITH FRONT POINT

We are meeting Baum's team at Front Point way too quickly.  Let's give each of them an intro bite AND lower thirds as well.  In fact, every time we see them in a scene from this point forward, let's add a lower third to them.  There are a lot of moderately-good looking white men in dark suits in this show and I want to make sure the audience can tell them all apart.  

Jared says a lot of bad things about Deustche Bank.  Are there any other takes where he says nice things about the bank?  Right now this is coming across as more "blood-boiling" and not as "heart-warming" as we would like.

Using Anthony Bourdain in interview to explain CDO's is very clever.  Does he explain anything else?  Our research shows that our audience really responds to famous people making food.  Double check your footage: if he can explain golden parachutes while making orange chicken, that would make a great web extra. 

DANNY AND PORTER AND THE MIAMI HOUSING DEVELOPMENT

This scene with Danny and Porter checking out the mostly-empty housing development is rather effective. However, we should add a set up from the guys saying what they are looking for at the development and then a closing bite from them about how they desolate the place was.  If they aren't telling us how they are feeling at all times, how can I know how they are feeling? HOW CAN I KNOW?

MARK MEETS WITH THE MORTGAGE BROKERS

Man, those mortgage brokers are such douche bags!  Any possible way we can play this scene for more comedy? Play around with the audio design.  I think adding a record scratch after one of them says he sells to strippers would be hilarious!  Be creative.

MARK AT STANDARDS & POORS

There is a lot of information and numbers floating all around this scene.  You can't expect our audience to all have done so well in math; we aren't PBS! If you are assuming that the audience is paying attention, then yes they can follow the math pretty easily, especially this is is the crux of the fraud that helped bring down the entire US economy.  But you can't assume that; this is reality, not scripted! If you insist on keeping this scene were the woman from Standards & Poors admits to falsely increasing the ratings on sub-prime mortgages and bonds, then you need to add a lot of bites in order to explain it.  Do that and add an amazing comedy pass.  If not, then we'll make it a snap-in.  People in Australia may be able to follow this; I know that working moms in Kansas City won't. 

LAS VEGAS

Please make sure that each of the attendees of the convention have signed a release.

When Mark interrupts the presentation, can we get some bites and reaction OTFs from some of the audience members?  That would help add context to Mark's worries about the sub-prime mortgages.  

Selena Gomez explaining a synthetic CDO is pretty great, but she doesn't sing and I find that distracting.  Does she sing at all?  Our audience will expect her to sing.  Let's do a pick up of her singing an Adele sound-alike. My boss and his kids would love that!

MARK TALKING TO HIS WIFE ABOUT HIS BROTHER'S SUICIDE

Oh dear Lord, who edited this scene, a drunk 18 year old on crack?  It's so jumpy and disjointed.  There are no bites at all. How can you have such an emotional scene without a pick up bite? Yes, the jumbled editing style represents Mark's frayed emotional state talking about his brother but that is just way too artsy for us.  Please completely reedit this scene and make it more straight forward.  We are leading the audience through the story by the hand; if we aren't pulling them through a fast pace, they become bored and will change the channel.  And we definitely don't want that!

THE MELTDOWN

Per legal, make sure that Jared says "I'm jacked to the [BLEEP]."

During the Barry/Mark debate about Bear Stearns, please add a continuing graphic showing Bear Stearns' stock price going down.  Make it really fun and playful; if the audience thinks too much about this, it will depress them.  If the GFX is bright and colorful, they'll smile.  Maybe we can make a happy Bear graphic and then a sad Bear graphic?  Let's play around with this.  Remember, we're storytellers! 

Do we have a material release from Red Bull for the giant tower of cans that are in Lehman Brothers' empty office? If not, please blur all the logos. 

I suggest we end the show before Jared's VO goes into how no one of consequence was put in jail for tanking the US economy.  Man, that's just too depressing! Let's end on more of an upbeat note.  Get creative and call me with some ideas.  I can't wait to see what you come up with!

Please get me a new cut by the end of the day with notes responses.  Thanks!

If THE MUPPET MOVIE Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

THE MUPPET MOVIE Network Rough Cut 2 Notes Pass

Hello! Thanks for addressing our notes on the earlier cut. Progress has definitely been made but we are still a long way's off from getting this right.  Unfortunately, clarity is still a really big issue.  Many scenes are pretty chaotic and therefore not funny.  Remember: scenes are only funny when we carefully explain everything to the audience.  Also, the characters' motivations are rather murky.  Why is Kermit going to Hollywood?  Why would Fozzie join him?  What is Janice doing? A very strong and deliberate bite pass is in order; let's get into the head of every frog, pig, drummer, human and 70's comedy star we have.  Once this bite pass happens, then we can give you some time coded notes.  Please see below.

OPENING

The start of the film has two older people saying arriving at a movie studio saying they are going to see THE MUPPET MOVIE? This self-referential stuff is rather confusing.  Do we have any intro bites with Statler and Waldorf?  Why are they going to a screening of a movie if they don't seem too happy about it?If we are setting them up to be a Wendy Pepper/Johnny Bananas/Richard Hatch-type of villain, that's fine. If not, then they are already coming across as unlikable.  In reality, characters are either big villains or extremely likable; they can't be anywhere in the middle.  (Except on competition shows that get nominated for Emmys) 

THE SWAMP

We start with Kermit singing but the video is just a big wide shot of the swamp.  How do we know if it's Kermit singing unless we actually see him?  Let's recut this to show b-roll of the swamp, then a shot of Kermit singing on the log.  Man, Kermit is singing and singing and we don't have a SINGLE bite from him. No no no.  Let's build an intro package with a bite like "Hi, I'm Kermit the Frog. I live in a big swamp and I love playing the banjo!" (Doesn't have to be exact)

Let's get some more information about the swamp. Where is it? What it's like? Is there a pawn shop full of colorful-yet-completely non-threatening people? Dig through your footage and let us know.  

When the agent gives his card to Kermit, we really need to hear a bite from Kermit about how his offer about the audition at World Wide Studios is quite enticing. Sure, we can get the idea of this based on Kermit's sound ups and reactions, but we really need to sell this. If it's not completely obvious to us, it won't be to our viewers!

By the way, do we ever hear the answer about why there ARE so many songs about rainbows? If we don't, let's cut it; too confusing.

KERMIT ON THE BICYCLE

Any bites from Kermit when he sees the Doc Hopper Frog Legs signs?  If he's not happy about it, we definitely need to hear about it. Since Doc is the villain, he needs a much stronger, more pungent set up.  A big montage of him frying frog's legs? Bites from him about how much he doesn't like frogs?  Bites from Kermit about Doc's reputation?  Let's mine the interviews and b-roll and think outside the box here, guys.    

Good Schwinn bicycle product integration. 

EL SLEAZO CAFE

Fozzie Bear needs a better introduction. He comes out with a bunch of props; is Carrot Top a big influence? Let's do a big intro of him, his love of comedy, etc.  Let's discuss!

When Doc Hopper plays his fast food frog leg commercial for our hero, Kermit is completely revolted. What's his motivation? It's either the fact that he doesn't like the idea of him shilling a restaurant that would be genocide for his people or that he wants to focus on going to Hollywood.  Now, in scripted, characters can have multiple motivations. In reality, however, a character has ONE motivation per episode and that's it.  Any more confuses us and the audience.  Let's pick one and be consistent.  

MEETING GONZO

The car accident that brings Gonzo and Kermit together lacks the proper impact because we don't know who Gonzo is. Let's do a full intro package with him; where he's from, how long he and Camilla The Chicken have been together, how long he's been a plumbing artiste, etc.  Also, is there another take where they meet? Right now it just seems a little too convenient that they run into each other and they all want to be movie stars.  Let's flesh the scene out first with some header, some fluff and then go into the story stuff. Right now, the scene is just rather fakey and unfunny. 

MEETING MISS PIGGY

Miss Piggy is really popping on camera. She has a definite Nene Leaks appeal, so let's set her up for success.  Give her a big intro package with as much sassy bites as possible.  Is she on Twitter?  I bet she's hilarious.  

Piggy's intro scene is a beauty pageant; any fun backstage moments? OTF's with the other contestants? Let's see what other people have to say about our porcine powerhouse. 

KERMIT & PIGGY'S DATE

Why are they out on a date again? Let's restate the intent of this scene right from the top.  Why is Piggy on this date? And then she leaves; what does Kermit think about this? Let's get his feelings out on the table with a good choice bite.  Otherwise, we're left to just observing Kermit looking sad and depressed and that's just not enough.  

Any good bites from Steve Martin the waiter? He has some great comedic potential.  

Let's add an earlier pick up scene where Piggy practices martial arts; otherwise her use of karate to save Kermit from his kidnappers comes out of the blue and is therefore not funny.  Humor comes from very predictable behavior, NOT from random chaotic moments.  

THE DESERT

Everyone is stranded in the desert and I've completely forgotten what's going on.  Let's restate Kermit's why for his trek. Sure, he talks to himself and says everything in scene, but a great bite from him would work wonders.  

Any fun tidbits about the ghost town Kermit ends up in? How about some backstory from Dr. Bunsen Honeydew?  More context here would really help.   When Floyd asks about the Insta-Grow pills, Beaker says "Mee mee MEE mee mee."  Does he have a take where he says "Mee mee mee MEE MEE?" Please double check your footage.  

WORLD WIDE STUDIOS

When Lou's secretary has an allergy attack from all of the animal dander, this could be a great opportunity for a Claritin product integration. Let's look into that.  

Any bites on what a Standard Rich & Famous Contract is?  Clarity here would be very helpful.  

Please finish these tonight with notes responses. Thanks!  

If INSIDE OUT Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot and character details for INSIDE OUT. If you do not wish to be spoiled, please leave now. If reading fictional network television notes makes you break out in hives, please take an antihistamine.  

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INSIDE OUT ROUGH CUT 4 NOTES

Hello! Thanks for turning our notes around so quickly.  As it stands, the show is really making some progress but it's really not there yet.  What you've given is so immensely creative and thrilling, which is great... and is also a huge concern. The problem is we kept getting lost in what's going on.  A clarity pass is absolutely necessary.  Bites, bites, bites! If we're going to ask for the audience to take the leap to go into someone's mind, we need to spell things out for them very clearly so they don't get nervous.  Once you do this with a very thorough bite pass, then we'll give time coded notes.  Please address the following (and if you have any questions, please do not hesitate to call my assistant to set up a time for a call.).

OPENING

We really do like that Joy is our main character here. Her introduction is great and all, but with the arrival of each emotion into Riley's brain, it starts getting confusing.  Yes, none of them look or sound alike at all and they each have a very distinctive personality, but we can't assume that the audience can suss out who is who right off the bat.  So, let's do a chyron pass and an intro package on each emotion.    Sure, Anger says he's anger, but if we throw in a lower third that says "Anger" when he's on the screen, then the audience will know for sure!

RILEY'S MOVE TO SAN FRANCISCO

There is some great scene work when Riley and her family arrive in San Francisco.  Still, once they are actually in their house, I forgot which town they were in!  Can we throw up another lower third to remind us where we are? We started in Minnesota and then they switched locations; man, that's a lot to swallow!

Disgust has a great sound-up once they see the dead mouse in Riley's room; does she have a bite about it? I would love to get inside the head of the beings inside Riley's head. 

MEMORY STORAGE/ISLANDS OF PERSONALITY

So, the different emotions run Riley at different times depending on the situation.  I know we established that at the very beginning but on Riley's first day of school, I think we should really throw in a flashback to this to remind the audience exactly why the emotions are there at the control panel in the first place. Sure, it just happened 10 minutes before and it's in all the promotional materials and is the very concept of the show to begin with, but it couldn't help to remind the audience of this. Remember, always reiterating what is going is what we storytellers do best!

Memories come in as big marbles and then go into long-term storage. Some memories are core memories that create the different islands that form Riley's personality - wow, that is a LOT of information for our audience to remember! Let's construct a very tight flashback that we can use every 4-5 minutes to jog the audience's memory of this.  It's hard to remember how Riley remembers so we need to remember to remind the audience of this so they can remember it all. Got it?

Please add a pick up scene where Disgust goes over Riley's first day of school outfit.  We think this could really go over well with our audience and serve as a possible makeover show backdoor pilot called "Ughh, You're Not Going To Wear THAT, Are You?" Advertisers love shows where we shame women on their fashion choices  Throw the scene in and let's make it work!

When Riley has her breakdown during her first day of class, do we have any bites from the cool girls in school? We get the idea from Disgust and Fear what Riley's stakes are, but if we can get a few from that clique of mean girls, it can really hammer home what Riley is really risking. And also the funnier the better!

JOY AND SADNESS TRY TO GET BACK TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Sadness meet Bing Bong, let's give him a really big intro package. I know he introduces himself in scene, but let's throw in a bite along the lines of "Hi, I'm Bing Bong. I'm Riley's imaginary friend.  I'm part elephant, part cotton candy and an all-around great guy and since I've been wandering around Riley's long-term memory, I really know my way around." Please get this verbatim. 

Please double check our trade out agreement with Triple Dent gum. I really don't think they want us to have some much scene work of our people groaning every time their jingle is heard. 

The section where Joy, Sadness and Bing Bong get caught in the Abstract Thought section can be cut.  I am really not clear on what Abstract Thought is, so let's just make it a web extra.  

DREAM PRODUCTIONS/SUBCONSCIOUS

Does Rainbow Unicorn have any bites regarding Riley's dream going haywire? We're paying an arm and a leg for her appearance fee, so let's get the most for our money.  

I know Joy says that the Subconscious is where Riley stores all of the big things that frighten her, but can she explain in in a bite? Or maybe Sadness can? We haven't heard from her in a while, let's see what she has to say. 

We've been in Riley's head for so long; is there any more scene work that we can cut to? Maybe with the parents or the cool girls at school? This is starting to feel a bit claustrophobic.  

Please make sure the killer birthday party clown has signed a release. 

When the personality islands start breaking apart, can we add in a bite from Sadness or Joy about what this means? We have to always remind the audience about the stakes.  What would happen if Riley loses every portion of her personality? What would happen to her? Does this mean she would end up working in insurance? Let's spell this out. 

JOY AND SADNESS MAKE IT TO HEADQUARTERS

When Joy and Bing Bong are trying to get out of the Memory Dump using his wagon, let's throw in a flashback of him and younger Riley playing on it and saying that it's powered by song.  They start singing to power it and I'm completely lost! (Also, the Bing Bong song is cleared, right? Our music budget has been eaten up with the Triple Dent trade out).

Please add a bite from Joy when she realizes that Bing Bong is no longer there. Even though we see she's crying, how am I to know if she really misses him or not without a bite exactly saying that? 

END

Now that we see that the memories are now coming in with multiple colors instead of just one, let's add in a bite from Joy about how important it is for Riley's development that all of her emotions be validated.  We can't assume the audience will pick up on this; it's only obvious to us since we're professionals at this but remember, the audience isn't! 

Please have these done with a notes response by 11am tomorrow morning.  Thanks!

If THE BLUES BROTHERS Got A Round of Reality TV Network Notes

NOTE: The following contains plot elements for one of the beloved comedies of all time.  If you really don't want to be spoiled, please go elsewhere. 

THE BLUES BROTHERS ROUGH CUT 3 NETWORK NOTES

Hello! Thanks for addressing the previous round of notes so quickly.  We really appreciate it.  The show is coming along but we are still far off from where we need to be.  We feel the brothers Blues' antics can be toned down to be more network friendly.  We want PG "Jackass", not rated R "Jackass."  Also, we need more clarification all around.  Bites, bites, bites!  Once a comprehensive bites pass is done, we'll give time-coded notes.  Maybe another comedy pass? Let's discuss.

OPENING

Jake does a very long exit from prison. He doesn't say anything! Let's use this section to do a strong intro package. Let's kick off with a bite like "Hi! I'm Jake. I'm a musician and I'm finally getting out of prison after holding up a gas station to pay the salaries of the guys in my band.  I can't wait to meet up with my brother Elwood who is also in the band with me and we like to dress alike." (Please get this bite exactly). If we don't hear from him within the first ten seconds of the show, how are supposed to form an opinion about him? Just by observing his behavior? Too confusing. Please upgrade. 

RUNNING THE NEW BLUES MOBILE OVER THE BRIDGE

Jake and his brother don't seem terribly happy to see each other.  Are they more taciturn in nature? If so, let's add a bite from Elwood along the lines of "I'm Elwood, and I'm so glad that my brother is out of prison.  We don't really show a ton of affection in our family, so we do a lot of banter in order to prove our love."  If Elwood doesn't say this, how will we know he's happy to see his brother? I can't tell!

Elwood giving the stats on the new Blues Mobile is great in a "Top Gear" sort of way (maybe a spinoff?). And how they zoomed over the rising bridge is impressive.  It's a good example of the family-friendly stunts we should be going for here.  Per legal, please add a disclaimer at the beginning of the show saying that kids should not do this at home.  

Is there another take where Jake isn't smoking? I hope there aren't more cigarettes in this episode

VISITING THE PENGUIN

Who is this Penguin they keep referring to? Why are they there? Did they used to be orphans? We're going into a scene without knowing every possible bit of information there is to know and I am nervous! Again, we need another set up bite. If there's a chance for surprise, there's a chance our audience will change the channel. 

Oh, the person the Blues Brothers is meeting is not an actual Penguin.  Please do a clarity pass on this scene.  I got confused. 

In the "shit's creek" discussion, please bleep the following:

*Shit

*Shit

*Christ

*Shit

*Fuck

*Jesus

*Bitch

*Jesus

*Christ

*Fuck

*Shit

CHURCH SCENE

Wait, why is Jake and Elwood in a bad mood at the church? Oh right, in the previous two scenes Jake and Elwood found out that the only home they've ever known is going to be sold.  I completely forgot about it! Please start the scene with a flashback reminding us of this.  We need to restate the stakes in every scene; it's called 'Storytelling!'

Have all of the dancing, singing church-goers signed a release? Please double check.

Jake's religious epiphany is great and all: the glow around him, the backflips, the sunbeam coming through the window. But we need to really hammer this home with a bite from Jake. Why did he change his mind? Why is getting the band back together a good idea? Why does he like to dance like that? Please look over your interviews. 

FLEEING THE POLICE STOP

Is there another take where Elwood doesn't speed away from the police when they pull him over?  Legal is worried that we could inspire copycat incidents.  Ever since Teresa Guidice flipped a table, they've been extra jumpy.  Please check your footage and get back to us. 

Is there a bite from Elwood where he explains why his license was suspended? That would be helpful. 

Please add a chyron saying that the producers do not recommend driving through the mall, especially when the police are following you. 

Blur the JC Penny's logo when the Blues Mobile bursts forth from their display window.  

Please add a bite to explain the woman using the rocket launcher against the Blues Brothers. Right now this comes out of nowhere, cutting against the comedy.  Explaining why she's there in every detail will give the audience context and therefore will be absolutely hilarious! (Maybe add a record scratch? Think it over)

CHEZ PAUL

When Jake asks the man at the next table "How much for the little girl? How much for your women?", can we add a bite from Jake saying that he's making a joke? Otherwise it seems like he's into human trafficking and S&P won't clear that. 

NAZI RALLY

Add a pick up scene early on where Elwood says he's not a fan of Adolph Hitler. Otherwise his comment of "I hate Illinois Nazis" comes out of nowhere.

GIG AT THE PALACE HOTEL

When Jake and Elwood are stranded at the gas station, can we add a bite from them about how stressed out they are about possibly missing the gig? While we are getting that from their in-scene sound-ups and from cutting back to the band anxiously waiting at the ballroom, we really need to hear it from them too.  Remember: stakes, stakes, stakes!  If we don't keep hitting this point over and over, the audience won't know it's important!

Good Orange Whip product integration.  

When the Blues Brothers finally make it to the stage, please add a big cymbal scrape and big sweeping cue.  This is the most important moment of the episode so far and let's treat it like such! If it's important to us, it's important to the audience!

CAR CHASE INTO THE CITY

Why are they speeding so much into the city? Oh, right, they're getting the $5000 to the tax assessor's office to make sure the orphanage isn't closed down.  I completely forgot. We really need to add a flashback here to remind the audience.  Maybe two more flashbacks should be added to previous scenes? This isn't scripted; we can't assume the audience will remember plot points from one scene to the next!

We need to think of the audience takeaway during the whole episode.  During the car chase, let's add some factoids into the lower thirds about how fast a Winnebago can go, the air velocity of a car full of Nazi's going of of an overpass, etc.  This will give the audience bits of information that they can use to impress their friends at dinner parties.

END

Once Jake and Elwood are in prison, we just see them play a song for the inmates.  Are they happy they saved the orphanage? Are they glad they got the band back together? Please do a big bite pass on this scene. If they don't tell me all these things, how am I supposed to know? HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW?

Please finish these notes by 4pm today.  Looking forward to your responses!